Brave like you

Dear Ellie,

You start kindergarten 2 weeks from tomorrow. Yesterday we went on the much anticipated “girls of the house” shopping trip to buy your school things. (your words) You kept saying in the days leading up to it “I CAN’T WAIT TO GO SHOPPING!” your brown eyes sparkling with excitement, and you counted the sleeps down.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling heavy. There is a very real grief I feel inside as I look at the weeks ahead and see the change that is coming. Our mornings will look different as we will start waking you up early so you can be at school by 8:30. Of all of our kids, you tend to sleep the latest, so waking you up will be a new thing. You are such a help to me sweet girl. I know I count on you more then I know and I will miss your presence during the day. I cried silent tears while getting ready yesterday.

We did have a fabulous time you know. Us girls. Annalise wore a bow in honor of the occasion and you looked adorable in your jean skirt and fairy top. When did your legs get so long? My precious pudgy baby has turned into a tall beautiful girl.

The girls of the house
The girls of the house

We first went to walmart where we perused the school supply aisles and did several circles around the store trying to find everything on our list. Did I mention that you made your own picture shopping list? On it were underwear, disposable bento boxes and hair ties. You did lovely pictures complete with check boxes. After a somewhat exhausting round at Walmart where I decided shopping online would be more efficient, we headed to the mall. We were hungry so we hit “Red Robins” first. (Again your words. You also call McDonalds “Old McDonalds” and commercials “commercianals” and I love it so much) They sat us in the smallest booth they had, but you wanted to sit on the same side, so we snuggled in while Annalise slept in her carseat. You ordered pizza and fruit salad (first time varying from your mac and cheese routine at Red Robin) and we chatted while we waited for our food. You told me you were the most excited to do art projects at school. When our food came you lounged quite comfortably almost laying down in our tiny seat, which was quite a feat. You were very pleased with your pizza, insisting i try a bite and then asking me if I would order it next time for myself because it was so delicious.

Red Robins
Red Robins

After eating, we headed into the mall. Old Navy had adorable dresses as did H&M. I offered you 2 adorable dress choices and you couldn’t choose. You asked me to give you a horrible dress option and an adorable dress option to make the choice easier. I couldn’t find a horrible enough option as everything was adorable, so you finally chose the black and white striped swing dress and declared it your favorite purchase of everything we bought.

On the way out we went back through H&M to take the elevator back down and you BEGGED to ride the escalator. I had Annalise in the stroller so I couldn’t ride it – so we decided you could ride it alone. We talked through getting off and where to go to run around to the other side so you could come back up. I promised I would be at the top when you came up. You were beyond excited and didn’t hesitate for a second getting on. Your technique was slightly terrifying as you didn’t actually reach up to hold on as you were stepping on. You wobbled for a second as you adjusted to the movement and then reached for the rail. I sighed with relief and then powered over to the other side to watch your progress. You got off at the bottom and dashed around like a pro. I lost sight of you for a few breath-taking seconds and then there you were, coming up the other side BEAMING. You were so proud. And I had tears in my eyes and had to turn away so that I could greet you with a smile.

This is so hard for my heart and yet I know its good and right. I won’t hold you back baby. Because I know you are ready. I know you have got this. I know it would be unhealthy to freeze time like I sometimes long to do. Freezing time would leave us stagnant, unable to grow, and grow we must. What I want you to know is that you are brave, and good at loving people. You are a leader and amazing at creating. This mama heart wants you to do all that you were created to do. And that will mean letting you go to do it.

As we walked out of the mall we were discussing the escalator trip and how fun it was and I mentioned to you that it was a little scary for me. You asked why and I tried to explain. It went something like this.

“When you were born you were teeny tiny and couldn’t do anything for yourself. Mommy took care of you and fed you and kept you safe as much as she could. But as you grow you are able to do more things and now part of mommies job is to let go so you can do new things.”

and the conversation continued in my head.

“Mommy has to trust that though she loves you more than she can say, she is learning to entrust you to the One who loves you more. It’s so good. It feels physically painful right now. But I bet a few months in it will feel normal. You will come home and tell me about your day and all the new things you are doing and learning and I will listen with excitement.”

This new season will hold so much goodness. I can’t wait to see what Jesus has ahead for you and me. Please know your mama loves you and i’m going to be brave two weeks from tomorrow as you run forward with no hesitation. I will be brave like you.



7 thoughts on “Brave like you

    1. Oh Ang. It doesn’t seem possible does it? All I can see in my mind is that picture of us with newborn Pais and tiny Ellie. So thankful to be sharing this season with you even though we don’t live close.

  1. Sarah Sue
    Thanks for sharing your heart so well. This post touched me deeply as I can imagine exactly how excited Ellie must be and how you are excited for her and yet there is that real inner struggle to want to let her grow and go.
    You are the best mom I know!! You love your kids so well, you are consistent and so good at finding the deeper purpose in parenting.
    I know I have said this before, but I truly believe that your Mom would be so proud of you and so blessed to see how you love your children.

    1. Thanks Rog. Such sweet words. This is such uncharted territory that i feel a little childish myself! I’m sure this is the first of many milestones that I will be feeling these feelings for my kids. It’s such a bizarre combination of loving so hard and yet letting go so they can learn and grow. It’s so good for my heart to lean into Jesus in this….

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