07.19.2016

Risk.

Risk. The idea both enlivens me and terrifies me. I’m reading this book by Robby Dawkins called “do what Jesus did” and it’s challenging me. This quote:

“Faith is simply one step of certainty against the onslaught of uncertainty. The question isn’t, are we willing to die for Christ? The question is, are we willing to live a life of risk for Him?” – Robby Dawkins

I kind of prefer the no-risk side of the tracks. Maybe it’s because I’m a mom and I feel this innate need to keep my kids safe. The no-risk side of the tracks is predictable – I know what to expect here. It seems safe and I feel comfortable.

However. There is a miserable boring-ness here.

I know that truly saying yes to Jesus will take me places I never dreamed I would go. I know that saying yes to Jesus means “No reserves, no retreats no regrets”. (A quote from Bill Borden – Thank you Robby Dawkins)

No reserves. This means I let Jesus have all of my heart. I give Him access to all. His healing seeps into every part. I hold nothing back.

No retreats. I burn the boat. I am committed to Him no matter what comes.

No regrets. I let Him show me how worthy He is. I let His goodness and faithfulness fill my vision.

I am a middle aged stay at home mom with 4 littles. Some days I don’t even step outside the house. My world feels very small at times. But there is still something in this risk idea that is beckoning to me. I can risk with Jesus. I can put my hand in His and say “yes”. Yes to time in His presence. Yes to hearing His voice. Yes to what He asks of me. Filled so full that serving others is natural. Loved so deeply that letting go of all that I hold dear is instinct.

I love this upside down kingdom so much. It confuses and overwhelms me in such a good way. Let go of your life and you will find it. Wash others feet and you will be great in the kingdom. If you want to be first, be content to be last and be a servant to all. Come to Jesus like a child – in simple faith instead of an important-in-your-own eyes person.

Come out of your comfort zone. Cross over to the risk side of the tracks.

No reserves.

No retreats.

No regrets.

07.14.2016

The Best is Yet to Come

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Today marks 13 years since my mom passed away. Death anniversaries are hard. For me they are full of painful memories from that July day. Last moments with one of the people that has left the greatest mark on my life.

Historically when this anniversary has rolled around I have allowed myself to remember and taken time alone to grieve. This year however, it snuck up on me.

When I realized that today was the day, something different settled over me. There will always be grief. I will always miss her until I see her face again. This means tears of sadness and sometimes wracking sobs.

But today also marks a celebration. A finish line. A graduation. She is home. She ran the race, she finished well and now – now she sees fully. She gets to spend every moment in the Presence of Perfect Love. She has no wish to come back! She is complete and missing nothing.

Her journey spurs me on. It reminds me of what is true. It’s true that we are living for eternity. This life is but a second and the end is so beautiful!

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I cling so tight to what I cannot hold on to: this life! Clinging so tight creates fear and anxiety as I can’t actually attain or control earthly-forever-living.

As I thought on this today it became so clear in my heart. My grief is not diminished by this celebration. Rather I feel that it’s just suiting today, to remember the glory. And to remember what lays in front of me. I want to let go more, live harder and love better because the best is yet to come!

“For if you let your life go for My sake and for the sake of the gospel, you will continually experience true life. But if you choose to keep your life for yourself, you will forfeit what you try to keep” Mark 8:35-36 TPT

07.09.2016

Fearless

I watch them. Their delight and joy in simple things. The lack of fear or dread of the future. My kids live in the moment. All in the moment. They take my word and believe it.

I crave this simplicity. I want it! It is offered to me! Jesus offers to me to live with the faith, joy, fearlessness of a child. A child isn’t usually fearless because they are so strong and armoured and battle savvy. A child is fearless because Daddy holds their hand. Because Daddy fights for them. Because Daddy is their resource.

I have felt so weighted. I have felt like I had to protect my heart and always be on alert for new sources of pain. I have felt like I had to do whatever I could to foresee pain – as if somehow seeing it coming will help the blow. The anticipation of possible pain is tormenting and no way to live!

I have the best husband. When I was in labor with baby number 3, I had all the monitors attached to my belly and we could see the contractions charting on the screen. As I was waiting not-so-patiently for my epidural, my sweet husband, who loves gadgety things was watching the monitors. Every time a contraction would start he would comment and tell me what type it looked like. “Oh man – this is a BIG one coming!”. This commentary, though ever so helpfully intended, was not helping my laboring process! The anticipation of contraction strength didn’t make my laboring easier. Nor does anticipating pain in my life.

When my kids get hurt, they trust mom and dad to get them whatever they need. Whether that is a band-aid or to a dr for open heart surgery. So does our Daddy.

My Abba is the best daddy. So I want to trust Him more. I want to live in childlike joy and simplicity because He is so good. All of this is offered to me. Will I step into it today in faith? Freedom, peace, healing, everything I need, because He is my Daddy and He is with me.