07.14.2016

The Best is Yet to Come

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Today marks 13 years since my mom passed away. Death anniversaries are hard. For me they are full of painful memories from that July day. Last moments with one of the people that has left the greatest mark on my life.

Historically when this anniversary has rolled around I have allowed myself to remember and taken time alone to grieve. This year however, it snuck up on me.

When I realized that today was the day, something different settled over me. There will always be grief. I will always miss her until I see her face again. This means tears of sadness and sometimes wracking sobs.

But today also marks a celebration. A finish line. A graduation. She is home. She ran the race, she finished well and now – now she sees fully. She gets to spend every moment in the Presence of Perfect Love. She has no wish to come back! She is complete and missing nothing.

Her journey spurs me on. It reminds me of what is true. It’s true that we are living for eternity. This life is but a second and the end is so beautiful!

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I cling so tight to what I cannot hold on to: this life! Clinging so tight creates fear and anxiety as I can’t actually attain or control earthly-forever-living.

As I thought on this today it became so clear in my heart. My grief is not diminished by this celebration. Rather I feel that it’s just suiting today, to remember the glory. And to remember what lays in front of me. I want to let go more, live harder and love better because the best is yet to come!

“For if you let your life go for My sake and for the sake of the gospel, you will continually experience true life. But if you choose to keep your life for yourself, you will forfeit what you try to keep” Mark 8:35-36 TPT

06.26.2016

62.

Mom. Today is your 62nd birthday. I think of you today in heaven. I know that time isn’t a big deal there but I wonder if you know that today is special for me. Special because you were born today. What an impact you have had. You are my most tangible experience with love ever. You showed me what it meant to serve other people, you quietly laid down your life for the people around you. I never questioned what love meant because I had you every day. I’m so very thankful for that!

I am sitting at a table surrounded by 3 of your grandbabies. We talked about heaven yesterday and how when we get there, that you will probably be running to meet them. Your love for your kids and grandkids is so beautiful!

I wanted to stop and tell you. I want to tell you that i am happy. That the “good news” of Jesus that you told me about and lived out – it really is the best news I have ever heard. I want you to know that Jesus is healing my heart. I want you to know that I remember you and that I still hate cancer, but I am coming to KNOW in my heart that Jesus does too. He sits with me in my pain. He doesn’t try to squish it down or cover it up or speak it away. He just sits with me in it. And reveals truth. And brings hope and healing. This week He reminded me so clearly that the day is coming when all the cancer and MS and infant death and – all the pain – it will all end. That day is coming! IT’S COMING! It has already come for you!

I want you to know that your legacy lives on. Beautiful mama. I miss your beautiful hands. I miss hearing you sing. I miss your baked bread and your phone calls. I miss having coffee with you and laughing till we cried. I regret the way I treated you as a young adult. I thought i knew so much. I wish i would have honored you more. I remember many times I bulldozed over your thoughts. I’m so sorry! Thank you for loving me so well, so graciously, even then. Thank you for your sweet love. You are so missed. In the deep aching way that doesn’t have words. And yet heaven awaits us. Where we will have eternity to share! To worship, to laugh, to drink coffee? Glory!

So until then, I will honor you. I will honor you by eating almond joys and almond roca, and laying down my life more. I will honor you by loving my babies and telling them about Jesus. And you. I will honor you by singing and drinking coffee and laughing until i cry. I will honor you sometimes by weeping sometimes. I will honor you by baking bread, and growing plants and reading the Word. I will honor you by using my voice to speak what God has given me to say. You are so loved and celebrated today.

05.12.2013

Mother’s Day

My sweet husband crawled out of bed early this morning and left on a mysterious mission while I stayed in bed and tried to sleep a few more minutes. He came home and carried into the bedroom a tray laden with my favorite Starbucks drink, Starbucks breakfast, flowers and gifts. I sat up in bed and couldn’t keep the tears from slipping down my cheeks. Partly because I felt so blessed and loved, and partly because I missed my own Mom so much and the ache felt too big to keep inside.

My Mom has been gone almost 10 years and surprisingly this has been my most emotional Mother’s Day yet. Grief is a funny thing. So many times I have wanted to manage it. I’ve wanted to have a “grieving season” and then be over it, or just somehow organize it so it didn’t interrupt my life so much. It hasn’t worked that way, or fit into a neat little box. I find it at odd times. I will be driving somewhere and I will hear a song that brings back a memory or feeling and those inconvenient, sometimes embarrassing, tears fall smearing my mascara. Watching a mother and daughter, holding my own precious babies, any number of life events bring grief to the surface. And the more I go the more I am learning to embrace it.

So this morning as I sat in bed sipping coffee, surrounded by excited kids and a precious husband I let the tears fall. They continued through my morning and I found myself thumbing through a photo album looking for pictures of her. I found pictures of the day I was born and I marveled at how young she looked, how beautiful she was and how much she poured out her life for the people around her.

The tears and the ache are accompanied by such a thankfulness and such an awe at what God gives us in moms. And so this ache and this joy coexist in me. And so the day went. I was able to stem the tide of tears and go to church without crying. We had a delightful lunch out and several times Troy made me laugh so hard I cried. Ellie crawled up in my lap after lunch and sat on my lap facing me and we made faces at each other and giggled.

When we got home we sat outside on the patio and ate watermelon to try to cool off (97 degrees here today!) and I watched Judah chomp his “buttermelon” down and eat piece after piece. His blue eyes, his pudgy cheeks, his infectious laugh. I am so very blessed.

I sat and felt this baby move in my belly and felt the anticipation of meeting. I can’t wait to kiss tiny toes and look into little bright eyes.

As I sorted through the mix of emotions, one of the things I felt myself longing for was simply to bless my Mom. To give her gifts, to make her breakfast, to treat her to a pedicure… To just have time with her. So much we have to catch up on! I thought these things through and realized that Jesus is showering her with far greater love and gifts then I could ever come up with. He is spending time with her and what could be better than time with Him? I look ahead and feel so much joy and anticipation. Jesus and my Mom? Heaven will be so good!

This whole mix of grief and joy makes me more compassionate. I feel deeply for those who are experiencing loss. Lord let me feel and reach out with arms of love and comfort.

It makes me treasure the moments I have with the people I love.

It urges me to encourage those who have mothers to love them deeply and enjoy the time they have.