05.07.2018

Love them hard

This is Annalise. She is 3 and full of belly laughs and little girl sweetness. She is plump and squishy and I kiss her cheeks at least 100 times a day. She loves snuggles and pretends to be a cat for most all of the day, often responding with meows instead of words. She has an absolute breakdown in the morning if I get up and make my coffee without her. She loves to help make the coffee and can’t understand why I don’t wake her up. The problem with this situation is that my goal is to get up and make my coffee without her, only because mama needs the quiet. When her feelings are hurt she will say “you have ruined my heart!” – her big blue eyes and bottom lip telling the story. She is so precious and i find myself clutching at the fleeting baby moments.

Parenting is such an incredible thing. The joy and pain (and it is both!) of watching your children grow. People tell you it goes fast, but its like you breathe and the moment is gone. They are bigger, more independent, more beautiful. Just as they should be.

Lately I have been praying about parenting these 4 kids we have. I was telling the Lord that I really long for them to KNOW Him, to know His voice, to encounter the Holy Spirit. I was asking for wisdom in how to do this practically, in a way that is worked out in every part of our lives, not just in a devotional around the breakfast table.

As I was praying I felt like the Lord was saying “Your job, Sarah, is to love them hard. Love them hard and well and give them opportunities”. This seems so simple and in many ways it is! But I sat there thinking about it, it grew layers. I could see His heartbeat in it.

You see He is so gentle with us. We have this free will to choose Him. He is always giving us opportunities to grow deeper with Him.

In my parenting I can’t make my kids choose Him, but I can sure give them opportunities to encounter Him. Truly encountering Him is the most life-changing experience I know. I can lead them to the well that never runs dry!

This is changing the way I approach discipling my kids and even how we plan for the future. We want to give our kids opportunities to travel and fall in love with the people and cultures that are so close to God’s heart.

We want to pray with our kids and then give them opportunities to hear from the Lord. We want to give them opportunities to serve and pour out their lives as they see need and identify unique ways they were made to answer those needs.

As I was thinking over these parenting things, the Lord opened my eyes to see that He is constantly doing this same thing with me. He is loving me so well. Constantly pouring out a waterfall of His unfailing love and grace over me. He is also constantly giving me opportunities to go deeper with Him, to be used by Him. I can choose to stay safe and comfortable, or to adventure with HIm. He will take me a deep as I am willing to go. As I write those words my heart pounds because I have clutched safety for so long! And yet my heart longs to run with Him!

My prayer today is that you and I will know, in the depths of who we are, how deeply loved we are. That from that place we would have eyes to see the opportunities He is giving us to bring life, love and freedom to those around us.

12.06.2016

The First Snow!

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Yesterday afternoon shouts of joy erupted in this house. We had been waiting for weeks for snow to fall. We had watched the snow line creep down the hills around our home, so white, so beautiful. Even months ago when we were still living in Southern California, snow was the talk of the family. When people would ask our kids if they were excited about moving, they would reply with an affirmative “YES! Because it snows there!”.

My kids have only seen snow once. In what felt like a miraculous, once every 25 years moment, we had snow in Southern California on a new year’s eve in the middle of the night. We woke up the kids so they could see it and experience it. That was two years ago and it didn’t stick around long.

Now we live in a place that will have snow every winter, probably all winter.

Yesterday was the first. The first snowflakes fell, gently, swirling tiny snowflakes. The excitement was loud and wild. We all stood by the window and soon spilled out the sliding glass door to experience it. Snowflakes on the face. There is nothing like it.

It’s true that this will soon be normal and perhaps we will be weary of snow and winter. For now it is new and so magical. I love watching my babies encounter the gloriousness of it.

I sat in the quiet hours this morning, reading, praying, connecting, indeed coming to Jesus in weakness. There is so much that I don’t have nailed down, so much growing that I have to do. As I came to Him this morning, He didn’t want to talk about that. He wanted to tell me about His love.

He spoke to me about how His love will never be exhausted, how I will never come to the end of it. How it will always hold wonder and how it is like a vast expanse of territory that I get to explore. It’s ever present. It’s for now, for this moment and for every moment that will come my way today.

Funny how I come to Him and want to review my failings. He wants to enfold me in joy. He wants me to walk as a care-free child experiencing snow for the first time. Even today. Even in the grown up world I live in that has real problems, where the world around me holds real suffering and real hard things. Even in this world I can experience His love, I can flesh it out, I can explore it. It never runs dry. It fills me up to overflow so it can spill into the lives of others. It’s so simple. I don’t have to try harder to be better, to be more. All He asks of me is that I surrender to His love. All the other things of growing and becoming are fruit of reveling in His love.

If today finds you tired and weary, I invite you lift your face. Experience the snowflakes of His love. Swirling around, so gentle. Let Him sing over you. He is so for you. He is all around you. He has depths of love that you have never seen.

08.22.2016

1st Grade

Dear Ellie,

Today is your first day of 1st grade. It feels so much easier than last year to know you will wake up, eat breakfast, put your clothes on and head out the door to school. I know more about this school thing and what it looks like. I’m thankful for that.

You, of course, are excited as ever. You have missed your friends and all that school is. You are planning to wear the same dress you wore the first day of kindergarten, though it is considerably shorter on you and you will need to wear leggings. It is still your favorite dress.

You learned how to read in kindergarten and now love LOVE to read. You proudly declare, to anyone who will listen, that you can read CHAPTER books. I love to walk by your room and see you cozied up with a book. I hope you always love to read and that you continue to be a life long learner. Books are such a gift.

What hasn’t changed about this year is that I will miss you. I have loved this summer with you at home. You and the boys have built endless forts, done 3,000 drawing/color fests (but seriously. What do we do with all of the masterpieces?), and of course had many many fights. I won’t miss the fights. I will miss the sweetness you bring, the good ideas you have, and just your presence.

You lost approximately 7 teeth over the summer, leaving your smile gappy and adorable. You also learned how to whistle (perhaps from the extreme tooth exodus?) Your eyes still reflect every emotion you feel and it’s so fun to watch you tell a story because you are so expressive.

You and Judah were in a wedding a few weeks ago and you had the best time. You both looked adorable in your wedding wear and you took your petal distributing job very seriously. At the reception they had lots of dancing which you and Judah also loved. You were out there with the other flower girl having a wonderful time on the dance floor.

When the time came for the Parent/bride/groom dances I was in the back trying to keep Annalise quiet. She and I swayed at the back and I found myself glimpsing something that had such depths and that I had never noticed before. Parents saying goodbye to a season. I couldn’t actually look too long because the lump in my throat was so big.

It’s all so good! It’s so good and right for children to grow and become adults and get married. But as I stood there in the back, listening to the words of the song:

Never alone

Never alone

I’ll be in every beat of your heart

When you face the unknown

Wherever you fly

This isn’t goodbye

My love will follow you, stay with you

Baby, you’re never alone – Lady Antebellum

I had to turn away. This parenting thing is so crazy! The love I feel inside for you is so big. It’s such a gift to be your mama, to have this time with you. I can’t lose perspective in the everyday. I can’t forget that my time with you in this season is limited. I cherish you baby girl. So help me, I promise to let you go when the time is right.

I’m thankful I have some years before I have my turn watching you dance with daddy on that special someday. For now my heart can hardly handle the thought. And that’s okay. From now until then I’m going to LOVE this season the way you love reading chapter books. I’m going to soak in the sparkle in your eyes and the gaps in your teeth. I’m going to snuggle you close as much as I can and learn to trust Jesus even more as you have opportunities to fly.

I truly know that seasons are part of the beauty of life. This one feels wrapped around my heart in such a way that I can’t explain. I’ll embrace it. I’ll embrace the lump in my throat and the tears on my cheeks as I write this because it’s evidence of beauty of motherhood. Made to love and protect with our very breath. Made to raise them to fullness and step back and let them go. The diamond tears are okay, the beautiful hurt a memorial stone.

I love you baby girl. Maybe someday you will call me as your baby heads out the door to school and you and we can laugh and cry together and I will tell you it’s okay to cry, but it’s also so good to laugh and embrace the beauty of the moment.

Love,

Mama