03.25.2012

Rend Collective Experiment – album review

One of the perks of being a worship pastor’s wife is having access to great worship music. And I do love great worship music. I’m afraid I’m more guided by my heart when it comes to evaluating music – not as much guided by great production or musical perfection. I more look for truth and faith and a response in my heart. Troy popped Rend Collective Experiment in the car a few months ago and I listened to it over and over. And over.

I didn’t love it in the beginning – it was so different than anything I had heard before. The lyrics are raw and almost conversational. I finally dug out the album insert to actually find out who this band was and what on earth they were about besides cheerful folksy worship. I loved what I found. The album title is “homemade worship by handmade people”. The whole album was recorded in different homes around Ireland and the world. (they just got so cool right there – didn’t they?) In their own words “we refused to make an album in a studio separate from our normal lives. Humanity and the divine are what we are celebrating here, not with polish and perfection, but with authenticity.”

Lyrically they are spot on and so real. I’m married to a gifted song writer and I see him in action on a daily basis. He’s always singing to Ellie and Judah. Troy’s songs for the kids are about what they are currently doing and I’m constantly amazed at his ability to put words together, on the fly, that make sense and sound right. A few days ago he was in the living room with Ellie and she was dancing and he was singing. Each time she did a new move he incorporated it into his song. This is what this album reminds me of lyrically. It’s about living life with God in the daily and the raw. I love it. They also threw a hymn in there that is a beautifully redone version of “Be Thou my Vision”.

Here is a sample of one of my favorites:

Christ Has Set Me Free

You open horizons in my life/ Of limitless /And cloudless hope
You defy the gravity in me/ And give wings to / My flightlessness
Christ has set me free / From negativity / From impossibility
Christ has set me free / All hope has been released / O Christ has set me free
You have taught my future how to shine / All the colours of / Eternity
You’ve given my soul the space to breathe / And discover what / It is to simply be

Listen to Christ Has Set Me Free

Check out the Rend Collective website here.

03.23.2012

There’s a hair headed my way. (chaetophobia)

Ellie has of late developed a peculiar fear of hairs. I first noticed it one day when she was in the tub and started shrieking for help. When I was able to filter through the panic and get to the issue she was saying “There’s a hair headed my way!”. Sure enough. One lone hair floating in the tub, heading her way. This new fear is a little unfortunate since I (with long hair) am at an all time shedding high after having Judah. She finds hair everywhere.

I find myself chuckling frequently at this latest development. But then I got to thinking. Ellie’s fear of hair is ridiculous right? Yet in the past year I have experienced more fear than I have known in my whole previous 32 years. In my mind my fear is much more legitimate and realistic than Ellie’s fear. Yet as I hear Ellie’s cries for help in the bathtub – I KNOW that she is okay. I know that the hair headed her way will cause her no harm. In my grown up world I feel my fears are for real. I have experienced a little bit of tragedy in my life and I have feared the idea that more could be “heading my way”. Yet my Jesus is never alarmed by my cries from the bathtub. He knows the beginning and the end and He knows I am safe. His Presence is with me. Always. The road may hold challenges and pain but there is victory in Him. And ultimately eternity healed and whole. This brings my heart peace and makes my fear recede. I recently read a verse that shall be my mantra for the next few whiles.

“Put your hope in the LORD. Travel steadily along his path. He will honor you by giving you the land. You will see the wicked destroyed.” Psalm 37:34

This says to me: Look expectantly to Jesus for good, confidently move forward, He rewards faith, you WILL have victory.

03.21.2012

Stolen moments….

Once of the biggest changes I have experienced since becoming a mom is the change in my morning routine. My Dad instilled in me early the value of early morning quiet and God’s Presence. My favorite way to wake up was to pad down to the coffee pot in the early hours, curl up on the couch with a large array of Bible, study books, notepads, planners and pens. And my coffee. And a blanket if it was cold. I loved those moments of study, of contemplative journaling and of listening for His voice. They were my rock and refuge.

Now I have two beautiful babies. Age 2 and 5 1/2 months. My mornings look a little different these days. I’m usually awakened from a slightly comatose feeling sleep by one of my little lovelies. Judah (the little man beast that he is) has a routine of filling his drawers to maximum capacity at 6:30 everyday. So accordingly we deal with that. I still pad down to the coffee pot, and find my way to the couch, and I still have my paraphernalia of quiet time accessories but now I have “Go Diego Go” playing in the background and a little snuggle buffin curled up next to me. I’m usually up and down at least 5-6 times during this half an hour stretch of time. Fetching snacks, taking the Snuggle Buffin potty, etc.

All of this interuptedness leads to a very fragmented “time with Jesus” and I felt some guilt and frustration with this. Until one day as I made my way back to the couch to pick up the 2 chapter of Mark – I had this impression of Jesus sitting with me and smiling with joy at my situation. Caring for my babes, scrambling to get moments with Him. He reminded me of the truth that He is present with me all day and that I am truly learning to share life with Him. Perhaps before I banked a little too heavily on my “Quiet Time” and felt like I had given Him enough of my time for the day and moved on. Now I am forced to find Him in the moments of my day. I am learning to listen to His Spirit as I go. How I love Him. I am learning Him in a new way in this season and it is so real and raw. I laugh in delight with Him over the things Ellie says, and ask Him for help as I do potty training laundry.

I do long for my old hours of quiet somedays, but am reminded they will return sooner then I know. For now I am so thankful for my stolen moments with Jesus and for His gracious Presence in all my days. He is so good to me!

01.27.2012

Yummy ice cream.

Parenting has taught me so much about God’s heart for His children. It has also taught me about why Jesus talks about having faith like children. In Ellie’s world things are so simple and straight forward. If I say we are going to the store she collects her snacks and heads to the garage with great excitement. (we should probably get out more) What her mom and dad say is fact and truth in her mind and she acts accordingly. It reminds me to step forward confidently in God’s promises as He is a much better parent then I and simply cannot lie or mislead. Parenting has taught me about the unconditional love that God has for me and about the grace that pours from His heart over my life. I am so aware of the failure in my life and know that God is even more aware of it then I am and I feel shame. But when I look at Ellie – even on her worst day of naughtiness – I am filled with love and grace – and hope for what is to come in her. When I remember that my human heart is a pale reflection of my Father God’s heart i am broken by His love.

Parenting has also taught me that as a child of God my perspective is often flawed. Yesterday Ellie was having her morning bath as I was getting ready and I heard an urgent “Whats that??!!!” and I knew. Sure enough. Ellie had pooped in the tub. I whisked her out and drained the tub so I could disinfect it and run another bath for Sweet Pea. She stood there watching the water drain and the floaters swirl around. She looked at me and pointed to the offensive matter and said with great enthusiasm “yummy ice cream!!!”. I was so grossed out by this observation (which was repeated many times) and yet also amused. After cleaning up and rebathing my daughter I got to thinking about how wrong Ellie’s perception was in this situation. It caused me to consider how not true my ideas are sometimes. What things are there in my life that I am identifying as “yummy ice cream” that are actually so not good for me?…

12.31.2011

A hundred million kisses

I find myself telling each of my children at least once a day that I am going to give them a hundred million kisses. Somewhere deep inside I want them to know that I could never kiss them too many times, could never hug them too much, could never really put words to how much I love them. Today holding Ellie in my lap she wanted to be tickled so I complied and savored every second of the peels of laughter and the rosy cheeks and the sparkly brown eyes. Judah giggled today for the first time and what could be more precious honestly? His fat baby chins that responded to mama’s “tickle tickle” and mama’s ridiculous cooing noises. I’m savoring these moments with joy and with a bit of pain too. I wish so much I could tell my mom how much i love her – I don’t doubt she knew i just want to tell her again and again how precious she is to me. How thankful i am for her unconditional love and patience. How thankful i am for her example of what a wife and mother should be. There is pain in knowing that others have said goodbye to their babies long before the natural time. This pain makes me squeeze my babies tighter. It makes me put down the laundry that I am folding and take the sticky hand beckoning me “c’mon mama – outside!”. I love my children. They are gifts from my Jesus to be cherished and treasured… and yet to always know they are His and that He loves and cherishes them more then I ever could. I love knowing that He has good things ahead for them! He is so good to me to love my babies the way He does. I think really He is the ultimate source of a hundred million kisses.

06.28.2011

To Mom.

Dear Mom,

Sunday would have been your 57th birthday. I can hardly believe that it has been almost 8 years since you have been gone. You would have thought 57 was old I bet. I would have teased you about your age and we would have laughed. I spent some time reflecting on our last year together and honestly felt some horror at the memories and all that you went through. I don’t keep those memories on the surface to recall often so when I do remember the reality of it – it’s a little shocking even still. You suffered so patiently. I cried some tears remembering and as I wept my prayer was that I would not grieve foolishly – as those who have no hope. I miss you terribly and know I will until I see your face again – but I will see you again. I can’t wait! I love knowing that your questions are answered, your pain is no longer, you are free! I wait for these things but have such joy knowing you live in that place.

These days I’ve been snuggling Ellie to sleep for her nap and there is nothing like it. Her head on my chest, little ponytail tickling my chin, her little tan arms flopped over mine. Total relaxation, total peace, safe in her mama’s arms. I hold her and think of you and how you have always been that to me. A safe harbor to rest. Thank you for that. I love you so. Thats the one thing I always long to tell you, though I know you knew. Just a few more “whiles” till I see you.

love,

06.26.2011

This is my love bug. Ellie Suzannah Smith is 16 months old and is such joy. She loves playing with her babies and wearing my high heels or (any shoes she can find) around the house. She likes reading books and superly loves playing “ipad”. She thinks she has a baby in her tummy because we told her that Mommy has a baby in hers. For the last three weeks she has slept in her own room and last night she slept through the night for the first time. She loves blowing bubbles and climbing by herself onto chairs. You can see from her nose that she has had some falls. Her little knees have some scrapes too. Ellie gives such good kisses – is there anything better then baby kisses? I am so thankful for every moment I have with my love bug.

04.16.2011

A man with questions

I’ve always loved the story of Gideon. I was reading it again yesterday in Judges 6 and realized maybe for the first time that Gideon wasn’t just insecure – hiding in the winepress – the least of his tribe. He was a man with some big questions. The angel of the Lord appeared to him and greeted him “Mighty hero, the Lord is with you”. Gideon doesn’t even seem to notice the “mighty hero” part as he zeros in on “the Lord is with you part”. For 7 years Gideon has seen his people ravaged by camel riding marauders who destroyed their crops and left them nothing to eat, forcing them to hide in caves. So he responds with a question. “If the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us?….” Interestingly enough the angel of the Lord doesn’t respond to his question – maybe because of the prophet who had already been sent who outlined why all this was happening to them. Instead he says “Go with the strength you have, and rescue Israel from the Midianites. I am sending you.”

What I so love about this story is that God allows questions and still uses Gideon mightily. I have had questions too. Questions about suffering and if God sends it upon His people or if it is the work of the enemy that our God clearly uses for good. Questions can cause us to stop in our journey with Jesus. Instead of steadily pursuing we stop and ruminate and deliberate. I love that God’s word to Gideon was “Go.” He had questions, he clearly had some insecurity and honestly there seems to be a perpetual doubt that pops up in Gideon. (thinking of the fleeces) However God speaks LIFE over Gideon. “Mighty hero” (Gideon hiding at the bottom of the winepress possibly grumbling about the plight of his people – really a mighty hero?) God gives him purpose and a journey, promising His Presence. Thank You Jesus that You do the same for us! For Your love that sweeps into Your plan, allowing us to be a part of your Kingdom. Thank You for not leaving me in my questions and doubt but calling me to “go”. To follow Your purpose and step out in this journey to be used by You. You are so good! Let Your Church respond to Your call!

12.04.2010

Baby William Reid. I love you.

Troy and i have miscarried two babies. We have named both of them – though we never knew the gender of either we felt they were both boys and named them accordingly. Miscarriage is such an odd thing because it brings such a sense of loss and grief for a person you have never met. I know to some it must seem weird and overly dramatic to grieve this kind of loss. Never the less, to those who have experienced it you can’t deny it’s reality or pain. We lost baby William almost a month ago. Life has returned to it’s normal routine and my body feels normal again. One morning a few days ago I was folding laundry and praying and found my self talking to the Lord about our baby. As I spoke this grief rose up in me so large I felt like I couldn’t hold it. I prayed and I cried. I cried for the loss of a precious life, for precious toes that were never fully formed. For eyes that I won’t get to look into until glory. For a baby I won’t hold until Heaven. I miss my baby. I miss this child who was real – who existed – who had a destiny. I rejoice that he lives with Jesus. I smile to think of my Mom with her arms full of my babies. It brings a sweet balm of comfort to know that these lives are precious to my Jesus. A few days after our miscarriage I was out walking and I felt like the Lord was speaking to me about how precious this baby was to Him. Though He is mighty God of the universe He loves and cherishes the unborn life… Thank You my Jesus! Thank You that death was never part of Your plan for us. Thank You that Heaven holds no pain or hurt or loss. You are my hope.

11.26.2010

God and dishes.

Tonight I did the dishes. I don’t love doing the dishes. The food refuse and mess – it’s not convenient. As i sloshed around in the soapy water tonight I was impressed with the process. Dirty gross dishes go in the water, get scrubbed, and come out sparkly clean – ready to be used again. It reminded me of how everyday I need to washed and forgiven by God. I wonder if He gets tired of it the way I get tired of doing my dishes? Does He wearily look at my sin and struggles and wish He didn’t have to deal with it? It’s not convenient? I’m so thankful that He doesn’t think the way I think. That He continues to pursue me – continues to encourage me to go on – to be washed daily so I can be used again. He is so willing to forgive, so ready to embrace, to bring me to sparkly clean. I am so thankful for that.