The Best is Yet to Come

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Today marks 13 years since my mom passed away. Death anniversaries are hard. For me they are full of painful memories from that July day. Last moments with one of the people that has left the greatest mark on my life.

Historically when this anniversary has rolled around I have allowed myself to remember and taken time alone to grieve. This year however, it snuck up on me.

When I realized that today was the day, something different settled over me. There will always be grief. I will always miss her until I see her face again. This means tears of sadness and sometimes wracking sobs.

But today also marks a celebration. A finish line. A graduation. She is home. She ran the race, she finished well and now – now she sees fully. She gets to spend every moment in the Presence of Perfect Love. She has no wish to come back! She is complete and missing nothing.

Her journey spurs me on. It reminds me of what is true. It’s true that we are living for eternity. This life is but a second and the end is so beautiful!

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I cling so tight to what I cannot hold on to: this life! Clinging so tight creates fear and anxiety as I can’t actually attain or control earthly-forever-living.

As I thought on this today it became so clear in my heart. My grief is not diminished by this celebration. Rather I feel that it’s just suiting today, to remember the glory. And to remember what lays in front of me. I want to let go more, live harder and love better because the best is yet to come!

“For if you let your life go for My sake and for the sake of the gospel, you will continually experience true life. But if you choose to keep your life for yourself, you will forfeit what you try to keep” Mark 8:35-36 TPT



Fearless

I watch them. Their delight and joy in simple things. The lack of fear or dread of the future. My kids live in the moment. All in the moment. They take my word and believe it.

 

I crave this simplicity. I want it! It is offered to me! Jesus offers to me to live with the faith, joy, fearlessness of a child. A child isn’t usually fearless because they are so strong and armoured and battle savvy. A child is fearless because Daddy holds their hand. Because Daddy fights for them. Because Daddy is their resource.  

 

I have felt so weighted. I have felt like I had to protect my heart and always be on alert for new sources of pain. I have felt like I had to do whatever I could to foresee pain – as if somehow seeing it coming will help the blow. The anticipation of possible pain is tormenting and no way to live!

 

I have the best husband. When I was in labor with baby number 3, I had all the monitors attached to my belly and we could see the contractions charting on the screen. As I was waiting not-so-patiently for my epidural, my sweet husband, who loves gadgety things was watching the monitors. Every time a contraction would start he would comment and tell me what type it looked like. “Oh man – this is a BIG one coming!”. This commentary, though ever so helpfully intended, was not helping my laboring process! The anticipation of contraction strength didn’t make my laboring easier. Nor does anticipating pain in my life.

 

When my kids get hurt, they trust mom and dad to get them whatever they need. Whether that is a band-aid or to a dr for open heart surgery. So does our Daddy.

 

My Abba is the best daddy. So I want to trust Him more. I want to live in childlike joy and simplicity because He is so good. All of this is offered to me. Will I step into it today in faith? Freedom, peace, healing, everything I need, because He is my Daddy and He is with me.



62.

62

 

Mom. Today is your 62nd birthday. I think of you today in heaven. I know that time isn’t a big deal there but I wonder if you know that today is special for me. Special because you were born today. What an impact you have had. You are my most tangible experience with love ever. You showed me what it meant to serve other people, you quietly laid down your life for the people around you. I never questioned what love meant because I had you every day. I’m so very thankful for that!

 

I am sitting at a table surrounded by 3 of your grandbabies. We talked about heaven yesterday and how when we get there, that you will probably be running to meet them. Your love for your kids and grandkids is so beautiful!

 

I wanted to stop and tell you. I want to tell you that i am happy. That the “good news” of Jesus that you told me about and lived out – it really is the best news I have ever heard. I want you to know that Jesus is healing my heart. I want you to know that I remember you and that I still hate cancer, but I am coming to KNOW in my heart that Jesus does too. He sits with me in my pain. He doesn’t try to squish it down or cover it up or speak it away. He just sits with me in it. And reveals truth. And brings hope and healing. This week He reminded me so clearly that the day is coming when all the cancer and MS and infant death and – all the pain – it will all end. That day is coming! IT’S COMING! It has already come for you!

 

I want you to know that your legacy lives on. Beautiful mama. I miss your beautiful hands. I miss hearing you sing. I miss your baked bread and your phone calls.  I miss having coffee with you and laughing till we cried. I regret the way I treated you as a young adult. I thought i knew so much. I wish i would have honored you more. I remember many times I bulldozed over your thoughts. I’m so sorry! Thank you for loving me so well, so graciously, even then. Thank you for your sweet love. You are so missed. In the deep aching way that doesn’t have words. And yet heaven awaits us. Where we will have eternity to share! To worship, to laugh, to drink coffee? Glory!

 

So until then, I will honor you. I will honor you by eating almond joys and almond roca, and laying down my life more. I will honor you by loving my babies and telling them about Jesus. And you. I will honor you by singing and drinking coffee and laughing until i cry. I will honor you sometimes by weeping sometimes. I will honor you by baking bread, and growing plants and reading the Word.  I will honor you by using my voice to speak what God has given me to say. You are so loved and celebrated today.

 

 



Home.


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My sweet Grammie slipped home yesterday. It’s hard to process what this means. Our minds don’t seem to be equipped to understand death. How someone can be so present and real and then truly absent from their earthly body?

 

As my Grandma lay in that hospital bed the last few days she was surrounded by those she loved best. They kept vigil with her through a day, a very long night and another very long day. It is so right to be surrounded by those you love as you step out of your earthly body. My Grandma lived a wonderful full long life. There is no sense of days being cut short, but more a beauty of a life well lived.

 

My Grandpa passed away three years before and the thought of joyous reunion is so glorious. As natural people, when we think of heaven, our minds go to those we know who have gone before. But lets be real. All of those people take a back seat when it comes to being face to face with the One who loves us the most and gave everything so that we could live forever with Him. I can only imagine it was the thing that completed Grammie. What incredible satisfaction and fullness to be with Him!

 

And here we wait. Us left behind. I indeed wept this week. Not as much for Grammie, but more for the ones she leaves. Saying goodbye, even for a season, is so hard. It felt impossible to me. I couldn’t say goodbye to my mom. A mother fills a place in you that no one else can. She is made to be a constant place of safety and protection. She is also made to speak truth – hard truth and yet life giving truth. She is the one you call and can call for no reason at all, or in the worst of times when all you have is deep sobs. So I ache for my dad. I ache for my aunts as they walk this road. It is paved with goodness as my Grammie loved them all fiercely and loyally. It is paved with sweet memories and funny ones, and they now will live with a mother shaped hole. In the best way possible. They have been loved so well. They will miss so well because of that love. And indeed it is not a forever separation. Oh the crazy joy that is set before us! Because. wow. Jesus. and everyone else will be sweet details to the incredible fullness we will know being with Him. What joy. What JOY we have. What hope!

 

And in the mean time we will allow the aching and hurt because we have been loved well by a beautiful person and we will miss her presence for a season. But we will continue to walk, resolved to love our children as well, Resolved to leave legacies as beautiful as she was. Resolved that our children will be loved so well that our absence will leave a hole but also an incredible joy in the hope ahead and the strength it brings.

 

I found that with my own Mom I couldn’t say goodbye in those last moments. There were no words. But in that hour after she passed i snuck back to her bedside and said all the things. All the things were really quite simple. How much I loved her and how deeply thankful I was for her love. Her love made me. In so many ways. Her love still gives me strength. I said goodbye to a shell. I said goodbye after she was gone because somehow when her spirit remained I knew it was never goodbye. It was just a “see you soon”.

 

So Grammie. I never said goodbye either. But what I want to say is that i love you and I am so thankful for the beautiful family you built and loved. Thank you for being such a strong woman and for loving Jesus with your life. Thank you for speaking of Him often. It is ingrained my head. We will miss you so. We will miss your pink nail polish and your beautiful hands and the glint in your eyes. We will miss the parcheesi games and the laughs and the smell of your perfume. I can’t wait to see you soon. Say hi to Mom, and Grandpa and baby Zeke and above all enjoy Him. We can’t wait to join the party.

 

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Brave like you

Dear Ellie,

You start kindergarten 2 weeks from tomorrow. Yesterday we went on the much anticipated “girls of the house” shopping trip to buy your school things. (your words) You kept saying in the days leading up to it “I CAN’T WAIT TO GO SHOPPING!” your brown eyes sparkling with excitement, and you counted the sleeps down.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling heavy. There is a very real grief I feel inside as I look at the weeks ahead and see the change that is coming. Our mornings will look different as we will start waking you up early so you can be at school by 8:30. Of all of our kids, you tend to sleep the latest, so waking you up will be a new thing. You are such a help to me sweet girl. I know I count on you more then I know and I will miss your presence during the day. I cried silent tears while getting ready yesterday.

We did have a fabulous time you know. Us girls. Annalise wore a bow in honor of the occasion and you looked adorable in your jean skirt and fairy top. When did your legs get so long? My precious pudgy baby has turned into a tall beautiful girl.

The girls of the house
The girls of the house

We first went to walmart where we perused the school supply aisles and did several circles around the store trying to find everything on our list. Did I mention that you made your own picture shopping list? On it were underwear, disposable bento boxes and hair ties. You did lovely pictures complete with check boxes. After a somewhat exhausting round at Walmart where I decided shopping online would be more efficient, we headed to the mall. We were hungry so we hit “Red Robins” first. (Again your words. You also call McDonalds “Old McDonalds” and commercials “commercianals” and I love it so much) They sat us in the smallest booth they had, but you wanted to sit on the same side, so we snuggled in while Annalise slept in her carseat. You ordered pizza and fruit salad (first time varying from your mac and cheese routine at Red Robin) and we chatted while we waited for our food. You told me you were the most excited to do art projects at school. When our food came you lounged quite comfortably almost laying down in our tiny seat, which was quite a feat. You were very pleased with your pizza, insisting i try a bite and then asking me if I would order it next time for myself because it was so delicious.

Red Robins
Red Robins

After eating, we headed into the mall. Old Navy had adorable dresses as did H&M. I offered you 2 adorable dress choices and you couldn’t choose. You asked me to give you a horrible dress option and an adorable dress option to make the choice easier. I couldn’t find a horrible enough option as everything was adorable, so you finally chose the black and white striped swing dress and declared it your favorite purchase of everything we bought.

On the way out we went back through H&M to take the elevator back down and you BEGGED to ride the escalator. I had Annalise in the stroller so I couldn’t ride it – so we decided you could ride it alone. We talked through getting off and where to go to run around to the other side so you could come back up. I promised I would be at the top when you came up. You were beyond excited and didn’t hesitate for a second getting on. Your technique was slightly terrifying as you didn’t actually reach up to hold on as you were stepping on. You wobbled for a second as you adjusted to the movement and then reached for the rail. I sighed with relief and then powered over to the other side to watch your progress. You got off at the bottom and dashed around like a pro. I lost sight of you for a few breath-taking seconds and then there you were, coming up the other side BEAMING. You were so proud. And I had tears in my eyes and had to turn away so that I could greet you with a smile.

This is so hard for my heart and yet I know its good and right. I won’t hold you back baby. Because I know you are ready. I know you have got this. I know it would be unhealthy to freeze time like I sometimes long to do. Freezing time would leave us stagnant, unable to grow, and grow we must. What I want you to know is that you are brave, and good at loving people. You are a leader and amazing at creating. This mama heart wants you to do all that you were created to do. And that will mean letting you go to do it.

As we walked out of the mall we were discussing the escalator trip and how fun it was and I mentioned to you that it was a little scary for me. You asked why and I tried to explain. It went something like this.

“When you were born you were teeny tiny and couldn’t do anything for yourself. Mommy took care of you and fed you and kept you safe as much as she could. But as you grow you are able to do more things and now part of mommies job is to let go so you can do new things.”

and the conversation continued in my head.

“Mommy has to trust that though she loves you more than she can say, she is learning to entrust you to the One who loves you more. It’s so good. It feels physically painful right now. But I bet a few months in it will feel normal. You will come home and tell me about your day and all the new things you are doing and learning and I will listen with excitement.”

This new season will hold so much goodness. I can’t wait to see what Jesus has ahead for you and me. Please know your mama loves you and i’m going to be brave two weeks from tomorrow as you run forward with no hesitation. I will be brave like you.

 

Love,
Mama



What I love about being a mom right now.

1) Judah’s excessively loud singing. Mostly he sings worship songs, sometimes mashed into a brilliant medley, occasionally sprinkled with a line or two from Frozen. We could all stand to “let it go” a little bit, right? Judah starts his day around 6:30, bellowing his songs from the crib – it’s hard to describe just how loud he is, our neighbors could probably add some adjectives here. He also plays air guitar on his crib, and wildly shakes his blonde, home cut locks.

IMG_62362.) The “joke” stage. If you have never experienced the joke stage, its a good place to practice all your different kinds of laughs. Some jokes are real (Ellie gets it most of the time) some of them are made up. (Judah, all of the time) Each requires an appreciative laugh at the punch line. It goes something like this.

Ellie: “Mom, I’ve got a funny joke for you. How do you make a tissue dance?”

Me: How?

Ellie “You put a little boogie in it.

Me: (chuckle)

Then Judah pipes in: “Mom, I’ve a got a funny joke for you. Why did the pizza get caught in the net?

Me: Tell me!

Judah: (looking around for inspiration) because the elephant was chasing it!!

Me: (Hearty har har har har)

3.) Caleb’s chub. This boy is almost 1. Skin so soft, cheeks still pudgy. I savor them. Thank You Jesus for making babies so squishy.

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4.) My husband who is such a teammate on this parenting adventure. Poopy diapers? He’s a champ. 4 year old irrational tears? He’s got it. Soft logical tones that bring rightness to the situation. Judah singing loudly at 6:30 in the morning? He often pulls himself out of bed so I can sleep a little longer. I also love laughing with him countless times a day (at the kids jokes) and at the things they say and do. When you plan a wedding, and walk down an aisle there is no way to anticipate what life will bring your way, or how together you will navigate it. I am so thankful for this man who takes life head on and is such a team player.

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5.) Being able to experience grace. Being a parent is crazy. You so badly want to be awesome. The awesomest awesome that ever was because you want the best for your kids. It doesn’t take too long to realize that the personal awesome level doesn’t magically increase in the delivery room when your baby is born. This can be an emotional and guilt filled roller coaster if you are constantly measuring your awesome level and never achieving awesomely awesome. One of the best things I have ever done as a parent is to start to study grace. God’s grace to me. This is life changing on a few levels. a) His grace changes me by focusing me on Him and all that He is, and off my not awesomeness. b) When I live in, and receive His grace, I am able to pour it out. It’s the proverbial cup over flowing. And man, do we not all need grace? My kids need grace! My husband needs grace. And I desperately need grace. Grace doesn’t ignore sin or brokenness. Truth is truth. Grace brings an overwhelming hope to the sin and brokenness. The blood of Jesus is enough. Man, I love grace.

There it is. Just my small smattering of thankfulness on these eve of Mothers day.

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Mother’s Day

My sweet husband crawled out of bed early this morning and left on a mysterious mission while I stayed in bed and tried to sleep a few more minutes. He came home and carried into the bedroom a tray laden with my favorite Starbucks drink, Starbucks breakfast, flowers and gifts. I sat up in bed and couldn’t keep the tears from slipping down my cheeks. Partly because I felt so blessed and loved, and partly because I missed my own Mom so much and the ache felt too big to keep inside.

My Mom has been gone almost 10 years and surprisingly this has been my most emotional Mother’s Day yet. Grief is a funny thing. So many times I have wanted to manage it. I’ve wanted to have a “grieving season” and then be over it, or just somehow organize it so it didn’t interrupt my life so much. It hasn’t worked that way, or fit into a neat little box. I find it at odd times. I will be driving somewhere and I will hear a song that brings back a memory or feeling and those inconvenient, sometimes embarrassing, tears fall smearing my mascara. Watching a mother and daughter, holding my own precious babies, any number of life events bring grief to the surface. And the more I go the more I am learning to embrace it.

So this morning as I sat in bed sipping coffee, surrounded by excited kids and a precious husband I let the tears fall. They continued through my morning and I found myself thumbing through a photo album looking for pictures of her. I found pictures of the day I was born and I marveled at how young she looked, how beautiful she was and how much she poured out her life for the people around her.

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The tears and the ache are accompanied by such a thankfulness and such an awe at what God gives us in moms. And so this ache and this joy coexist in me. And so the day went. I was able to stem the tide of tears and go to church without crying. We had a delightful lunch out and several times Troy made me laugh so hard I cried. Ellie crawled up in my lap after lunch and sat on my lap facing me and we made faces at each other and giggled.

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When we got home we sat outside on the patio and ate watermelon to try to cool off (97 degrees here today!) and I watched Judah chomp his “buttermelon” down and eat piece after piece. His blue eyes, his pudgy cheeks, his infectious laugh. I am so very blessed.

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I sat and felt this baby move in my belly and felt the anticipation of meeting. I can’t wait to kiss tiny toes and look into little bright eyes.

As I sorted through the mix of emotions, one of the things I felt myself longing for was simply to bless my Mom. To give her gifts, to make her breakfast, to treat her to a pedicure…  To just have time with her. So much we have to catch up on! I thought these things through and realized that Jesus is showering her with far greater love and gifts then I could ever come up with. He is spending time with her and what could be better than time with Him? I look ahead and feel so much joy and anticipation. Jesus and my Mom? Heaven will be so good!

This whole mix of grief and joy makes me more compassionate. I feel deeply for those who are experiencing loss. Lord let me feel and reach out with arms of love and comfort.

It makes me treasure the moments I have with the people I love.

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It urges me to encourage those who have mothers to love them deeply and enjoy the time they have.



Book Review – “Outrageous Courage”

I love books. My dream is to have a library someday complete with ladders. My husband also loves to read but isn’t attached to the idea of a book – he likes having books on his phone – and NOT having a lot of books. When we first got married he looked with dismay at the boxes upon boxes of books that I happily staggered through the door with. I had to stagger through the door into the garage with them because our little apartment had no “library” and certainly not any bookcase large enough to hold my treasure trove of books. They sat in boxes for a few years until we were able to move into a house. Then we were given a beauty of a bookcase which we moved into a room we affectionately call “the study” (a small uninsulated room off the garage). My books now have a perfect home and I love being able to locate them easily. (going through boxes in the garage was not very awesome)

Happy little books.
Happy little books.

Also notable was the first vacation we went on. Troy picked up my backpack and was shocked by the weight. Things came clear later when I unpacked my Bible, my journal, a devotional book (or 3), a work of fiction (or 2) and perhaps a resource book or 4. I like having options you know? It shouldn’t have been surprising this year then when I unwrapped a Kindle Paperwhite. Though I love my books I have loved my Kindle. Perhaps the greatest feature I have enjoyed is that it keeps a list of everything that I highlight. I can go back and reread everything i loved about any book.

Love my kindle.
Love my Kindle.

 

One of my first great reads on my Kindle was a book called “Outrageous Courage” by Kris and Jason Vallotton, published by Chosen Books. I was presented with an opportunity to review it for free and jumped at the chance because 1) I LOVE biographies 2) This book is about a person who is still alive 3) I’m passionate about missions and interested in anyone who is doing them sustainably.

This book was a home run. I was inspired, humbled, encouraged and absolutely floored by the love for Jesus that unfolds in the pages. It’s about a woman named Tracy Evans, though admittedly its not written to glorify her life. It has made me want to spend more time with my Jesus, to hear His voice clearer and obey Him no matter the cost. Tracy’s life isn’t perfect, nor did she come from a model family. Her story of grace and of Jesus constantly healing and making all things new is so strengthening and hopeful. Her pursuit of His Kingdom has led her through the slums of LA, Smoky Mountain (a giant garbage dump) outside of Manilla in the Philippines, and currently to Africa where she feeds babies and pours out her life for the broken.

Hands down you should read this book. If you are breathing and can read you should get this book. It goes on my list of top life changing biographies. You can check it out it here.



Hope in the moments

Vacation is happening at the beach. How glorious it is! I am so thankful for this time with my precious little family.

Judah is such a little chunk of deliciousness, and Ellie daily makes us laugh with the things she says. She persistently calls the elevator the “alligator” and everyday we ride the alligator down to the beach.

Clearly waking up at the beach is the best!

 

 

Sunset light

 

Sunset from our deck

 

Early morning

 

Reading books with Poppa
Love these boys

 

Sunset is an event worth pausing for here

 

Preparing for the beach

 

Sweet boy

 

Doing puzzles

I find myself trying to freeze moments here, never wanting to forget. Never wanting to lose “right here right now” and yet the moments go by.

I think this desire to capture moments stems from my own loss. I can remember one night not long before my mom passed away she went to bed early and hurting. I crawled in bed with her and gently rubbed her back sensing that my time with her was short. I remember desperately wanting time to stop. Never wanting to lose her soft presence, never wanting her quiet breathing to stop. Yet the same time that marched on and brought a death that I desperately didn’t want,  has also brought gentle healing. Time brings a buffer between the sharpness of grief and the raw heart.

Now as I watch my babies play, shrieks of joy, cackles of laughter, unaware of loss, I find myself wanting the moments to never stop. Never wanting them to experience grief or sadness. Yet I know almighty God holds them tight, makes a way through, will bring victory in all their losses. Oh I have hope! As I journey this road I purpose to teach these sweet ones to not fear the future, to not fear the moments but to live in them fully savoring them.

Hope in the moments. This means thanking God for the moments I have and believing Jesus for His mighty power to be seen in my future. God of the impossible. God of hope.

 Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place. 2 Corinthians 2:14 NKJ

 

 

 



God of the impossible

I sat outside this morning before the house woke up enjoying the quiet and my coffee. I found myself jotting down the thoughts that were rolling around in my head. Longing for justice in this world where injustice abounds. Crying out for healing where so much sickness is present.  And as I wrote I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart. “See as I see. You will see possibility where only impossibility resided”. And immediately He brought two scriptures to mind. Ezekiel 37 the valley of dry bones. What could be more dead or hopeless then a valley of bones? No life, no hope of life, only dead skeleton bones. And yet God speaks and bones come together, skulls find their vertebrae, muscles grow, skin forms and lastly breath is breathed into these new bodies. Life, hope, and an army is born out of the impossible.

The second passage He brought to mind was 2 Kings 6:14-17 the story of Elisha and his servant waking up one morning to find the city they were staying in surrounded by “troops, horses and chariots everywhere”. Elisha’s servant is understandably panicked:

 “Oh, sir, what will we do now?” the young man cried to Elisha.

“Don’t be afraid!” Elisha told him. “For there are more on our side than on theirs!” Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes and let him see!” The Lord opened the young man’s eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.

I find so much life in these words and find myself praying that my eyes would be opened and that I would see. To see as He sees and to take heart. To not be afraid. To believe for the impossible.